“I’m not a regular mum, I’m a cool mum!”
We’ve all seen them. Maybe there’s one in your neighbourhood, at your child’s school, or your workplace. She’s the woman who loves to brag about being able to swap clothes with her teenage daughter and how they were mistaken for sisters once. They watch reality TV shows together and she laughs about sneaking her son into an R-rated movie before she bailed out togo shopping instead and covers for her daughter when she misses curfew.What dad doesn’t know won’t hurt him. She even covered for her children’s friends a few times when they got into trouble. Everyone loves her because she’s the ‘cool’ mum.
Peer or Parent?
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It wasn’t that long ago when parents weren’t concerned with being cool. They were content with being loving caretakers who were oblivious to pop culture trends, annoyed by their children’s music, and grateful for their middle-aged life with the grey hair to prove it. Today, times have changed. Perhaps it’s the result of the media, pop psychology or some other influence, but an increasing number of women seem to be under the impression that in order to be a good mum they have to be their child’s best friend. Unfortunately, this trend can create a shift in parental relationships where roles get blurred in a power shift that ends up hurting the mother, child and even the parents’ marriage. In fact, some might argue that parenting from the perspective of your child’s peer isn’t parenting at all.
I work with some very affluent people, and I’ve seen the negative effects of this kind of pop culture parenting play out in their families. I used to call it affluenza. Even so, wealth isn’t necessary to be a cool mum because parenting as a peer mostly arises out of an insecurity that creates a need to be liked by your children rather than loved and respected. It’s the failure to do what’s proper rather than popular with your children as a form of people-pleasing. Wealthy people just spend more money doing it.
While men and women are both susceptible, I’ve chosen to focus on women because they tend to be under more pressure to be the ‘cool’ parent. In fact, in my experience, this does seem to affect more mothers than fathers. Perhaps that’s because women are seen as less authoritative and more compromising than men, so they’re expected to be the ones to cut corners, make allowances, and be ‘cool’ about it.
Good Intentions Gone Bad
In addition to people-pleasing and confusing like with love, a primary risk factor for becoming a cool mum is having had domineering parents yourself. An extremely restrictive upbringing has forced many young women to swear they will never raise their own children the same way they were raised. Unfortunately, the solution for many is to become a cool mum, swinging the permissiveness pendulum too far in the opposite direction.
I recall the story of a woman whose father died young, leaving her to be raised by her strict religious mother. She vowed to raise her own children differently, and she did. She let them stay up late, run the mall with their friends at age 12, got them cell phones at very young ages, played hostess to their friends and more. Now teens, they sneak out and stay out late, disregard homework, don’t share anything about their lives, and disrespect both parents. Now her marriage is suffering, and she wishes she could go back and start all over.
This woman isn’t wealthy, and she didn’t do some of the things in my earlier example. Even so, the consequences of being a cool mum don’t have to come from extreme permissiveness. Letting children regularly skirt the rules teaches them to disrespect authority, both yours and in the community. Covering for them in the trouble they make teaches lack of accountability. Giving them too much freedom leaves them unable to set boundaries as adults.
Worse yet, being your child’s best friend instead of their parent is to lower yourself to the level of their peer group. Acting as a peer, you become vulnerable to the same dynamics that govern their adolescent and teenage social circles. This makes a cool mum vulnerable to getting caught up in the peer pressure to keep doing what the children want in order to remain liked and part of their ‘in’ group.
Cooling It
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The way to stop being a cool mum requires more than just changing the way you parent; it requires changing yourself because that’s where the cool mum syndrome originates. The good news is that as long as the children are still relatively young, the odds are high you can turn the situation around.
Change of plans: Set a family meeting where you share new boundaries and consequences. Be specific about things like curfews, chores, everyone being at the dinner table, social media, video games, homework, knowing the children’s whereabouts, calling if they’ll be home late, and so on. Don’t be overly strict or excessive with the punishments. Remember, there’s a middle ground, but it’s crucial to follow through on punishments and increase them if necessary. Let the children know these changes aren’t happening because they were bad, but because of how you chose to parent. Those choices weren’t the best for them or their future, but that’s changing now. It won’t seem better at first, but it will eventually, and you’re doing it because you love them.
Spousal support: Having the support of your spouse is crucial, and you both have to enforce the new rules equally. Otherwise the children will play one spouse against the other, the strict dad against the cool mum, and divide and conquer. Differences about child discipline lead to many arguments in marriage.
Power play: Understand the difference between authoritative versus authoritarian parenting. Authoritative parenting uses power to love, guide and mentor, while authoritarian parenting uses power to demand, criticise and threaten. A mum is ‘cool’ when her children know they can share anything with her because she listens objectively without reacting emotionally, and then makes an authoritative decision, even if it’s not the one they want. Authoritarian mums explode emotionally, which is why their children never share anything until they have to. Your job is to be a loving guide, provider, protector and mentor who is present and available for them, not their best friend. Earning your children’s respect isn’t about them liking you all the time, but loving you after their upset is over.
The question: When making tough parenting decisions, I find it helps to ask: “What kind of person do I want to present to the world when my child is 18? Will this choice support that development?”
Lead by example: Stop engaging in behaviours that set a bad example for your children. Think about how you dress, your speech patterns, attitudes and so on. We parent largely by what we do, not what we say. Take responsibility when you’re wrong. Model independence, problem-solving, and respect for other.
Get help: Consider seeking counselling to heal issues like people-pleasing and a difficult childhood. That’s the best way to ensure you don’t slip back into cool mum mode.
Most of all, remember that everyone makes parenting mistakes and it’s not too late to change parenting styles. Stop beating yourself up and recognise the good that already exists in your family. If your children haven’t gotten into any serious trouble, be grateful for that. Know there is a foundation of goodness there to build on and that even now, you are responsible for that goodness, too.
Dr Sadeghi is based in LA and specialises in spiritual psychology, is the co-founder of the non-profit Love Button Global Movement, is a published author and contributes to Goop. Follow him on Instagram here
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- Words by Dr. Sadeghi
