A Life Less Troubled?

By Annie Darling

6 min read

To tackle the pressures of modern living more of us are avoiding self-reflection and ignoring feelings of doubt. But is it effective in the long run?

The modern woman is optimistic, ambitious and confident. She can be found in all walks of life and chips away at the glass ceiling that keeps women out of the most powerful jobs. She’s a far cry from the derisive ‘damsel in distress’ or, more recently, chick flick starlet, who works, but barely, thanks to her tumultuous liaisons and hysterical moods. There’s a cliché that it takes one week to get over each month of a relationship, but who has that much time to dwell on the past? Whatever our latest dilemma, we avoid second-guessing and push ourselves to ‘move on’. Taking influence from the persistently positive Oprah Winfrey and awe-inspiring Queen Rania of Jordan, we subscribe to the belief that we have a right not to pursue success, but to be successful. No matter how difficult the past year has been or how burdensome one’s own setbacks, we have the power to effect change. All we need to do is look on the bright side.

The power of positive thinking informs everything from Taylor Swift’s ‘Shake It Off’ to the Mayo Clinic’s belief that we can improve our health by avoiding “negative self-talk”. Various studies correlate long life with optimism while others draw connections between longevity and the degree of control people have over their lives. “I’m a big believer in positive thinking. Why would anyone want to surround themselves with anything else?” asks psychotherapist and life coach Anna Yates.

After all, in an exhausting era that bleeds perpetual judgment, how is the millennial woman supposed to withstand the harshest critiques? And when our own expectations aren’t met, how else are we supposed to recover from these disappointments? This emotional and physical suffering is what life coach and professional speaker Christine Hassler calls an ‘Expectation Hangover’.

Instead of wallowing in regret or self-recrimination, Hassler argues that it’s “healthy to have an accepting attitude”. Of course, we’ve all had ‘one of those days’. When we spill coffee on our champagne-coloured Bottega Veneta blouse or, more recently in my case, the strap on your favourite pair of sandals snaps clean off, leaving you shoeless and red-faced in the middle of a workday. “It’s important that we don’t get caught up in the little things and don’t obsess to the point where they negatively affect us,” explains Hassler. “What’s important is to move into acceptance.”

Women, like me, who stubbornly refuse to scale back in the face of impossible expectations experience more than their fair share of failure. If I were to execute a step-by-step treatment plan every time life throws a curveball my way, it would cost me invaluable time and energy, not to mention countless bouts of profoundly uncomfortable self-analysis. If there ever is a still moment for reflective thought – say, while sitting mindlessly in traffic – out comes the mobile device.

“Remember that the subconscious is there for two reasons,” explains Yates. “To protect us from harm and to help us achieve our goals.” While this mindset prevents us from experiencing avoidable sadness, does it also limit our ability for self-growth and understanding? “When we don’t look at what we’ve learned and how we’ve contributed to something not working out as planned we don’t take responsibility for our actions,” argues Hassler.

City Limits, photographed by Riccardo Vimercati, MOJEH Issue 22

City Limits, photographed by Riccardo Vimercati, MOJEH Issue 22

I’ve always justified my behaviour as a necessary self-defense mechanism in an increasingly precarious world. When you look at how millennial women live, you see what you’d expect from a generation that’s endured economic instability and political dysfunction. You see an exhilarating explosion of creativity, as well as a longing for security. Each generation has historically become richer than its predecessor, but that’s no longer guaranteed. In a less predictable world, the millennial woman has been forced to become self-reliant.

Consequently, she has exceptionally low social trust. 19 percent of millennials say most people can be trusted, compared with 40 percent of boomers, according to Pew Research. Just 26 percent of the millennial generation are married, compared with 48 percent of boomers at that age. Only 42 percent plan to have children because, according to Hassler, “intimacy and connection in healthy relationships requires a high-level of communication.”

It’s not that I don’t care when I make mistakes. I’m not the archetypal slacker, who slouches through life, misunderstood, in plaid flannel. Nor am I angry and melancholic, taking a combative stance against authority. I just don’t see the point of basking in strident self-pity. “We’re not superhuman,” reminds Yates. “We have limits to our energy, patience, time and capability. We need to work out what our priorities are.”

Hassler explains that being dismissive is a pre-emptive and satiric surrender, taking the form of reaction rather than action. “We end up suppressing, we end up avoiding and we, ultimately, end up repeating the same problems over and over again.” It’s also been suggested that evading emotions underlies various psychological problems, including obsessive-compulsive disorder, depression and panic attacks. “I see so many women who suppress or repress their emotions and often they end up getting sick, being irritable and, ultimately, more stressed out.”

Deflecting negative feelings may give them more power, leading to intrusive thoughts. Hassler explains that this, in turn, encourages people to become busier to keep them at bay. “A lot of women will work really hard for something that doesn’t go as planned and will try to stop themselves from getting upset by working harder. But if it’s a real disappointment that tugs on the heart, it’s important to process it.”

Many of us are overscheduled, overcommitted and overworked. Ask a colleague or friend how they are and the stock answer is “super busy” or “crazy busy”.  After all, you can’t mull over problems if you don’t allow yourself time to think about them. However, Hassler argues that until there’s resolution or some kind of acceptance, these thoughts will rattle incessantly around in our heads.

Does our hastiness to move on signal a deep aversion to risk? Or does it enable us to act even more recklessly, as we don’t have to deal with the consequences? Although the millennial woman is confident and independent she’s burdened by severe hardships – she has higher levels of student loan debt and lower levels of personal income. She rejects the Dilbertian goal of a steady, albeit unsatisfying job, instead for years of experimentation, even repeated failure. Her confidence is ironic in the face of historic uncertainty, but it means she has everything to gain, as well as nothing to lose.

The general impression one gets is of a demanding generation that’s stressed, energetic and skeptical. Our armour, which one could argue is genius, is to focus on ourselves. However, Yates claims this results in mounting self-imposed societal pressure. “Life is much more demanding these days and women have a tendency to think that they need to measure up to what they see in glossy magazines or on the television or on social media.”

Hassler agrees: “As women we have this high standard that we’re supposed to have it all together, look really good, and that we can just plough through life and take on a million things, but we’re emotional beings and it’s important that we allow ourselves to be vulnerable.” This can be difficult because “modern-day women don’t like to feel,” laughs Hassler. “We want to feel good all the time and we’re not given the tools that we need to process our emotions. Often we’re scared that if we really dive into our deepest feelings, we’ll never get out of it and there isn’t a lot of instruction or support around doing so.”

“Sadly, we get into a negative spiral when things don’t go as we wish and it can be very difficult to pull out of it,” adds Yates. Hard as it is, negative feelings are a part of everyday life, arguably more so if you are “crazy busy”. These challenges and how we deal with them shape the person we are, as well as the person we will become. “I encourage people to have strength of heart, to take risks and to have courage, but not so strong that you end up dismissive and you put your walls up,” concludes Hassler. “This will disconnect us from our intuition, it disconnects us from our femininity and it ultimately disconnects us from the success and fulfillment that we want.”

If life becomes a series of sarcastic jokes, apathetic flashbacks and a competition to see who can care the least when things go wrong, it seems we’ve made a considerable misstep. Nonetheless, this impassive perspective has patched over emotional wounds more times than I care to remember. Perhaps the key to a satisfying existence requires a more balanced approach that doesn’t dwell nor disregard. How we relate to the past can wreak havoc at home, work or in our relationships. The sooner we take ownership of our experiences the better. Ultimately they’re the guide to our future.